Movie PREreviews
I’ve decided to pre-review the movies that are coming out this week (or have come out in limited release, etc.). I figure I’m just as informed and conscientious now as I would be had I actually watched them, so why not just say what I want to say about them anyway and get that whole 90-250 minutes of your life per movie thing back?
Rumor Has It – Jennifer Aniston has sex with Kevin Costner. As if that’s not enough to make you choose death by mariachi over seeing this movie, so does Shirley Maclaine. And probably the baby bug-eyed alien/sister Mena Suvari. Wild horses could not drag me to the theatre. Plot summary: fucked up family is un-fucked by fucking the same fucker.
King Kong – probably pretty decent, but 3 hours?!? From a schlocky director? For a movie we’ve already seen? Dude, cut an hour, would ya? My ass is numb.
The Family Stone – family unfeelgood piffle. Man brings uptight woman home to family for holidays, where he intends to propose. Hijinks ensue. Let me spoil the ending for you: Man (Dermot Mulroney) ends up with Sarah Jessica Parker (woman)’s sister (Claire Danes), and Luke Wilson (Mulroney’s brother) ends up with SJP. Shocking.
Bareback Mountin’ – gay cowboys in love. There’s mountains and pretty scenery and sociological claptrap and clenched jaw-scenery chewing by Heath and Jake. Or the Brawny paper towl guy and the Marlboro Man, I can’t really tell the difference which set of dudes is in this film. Lee’s direction is just this side of Eastwood-soporific, but those mountains sure are purty. No actual sex is shown, and the movie is offensive only to those who would rather exist in a world where homosexuals did not. Big Oscar noms, but destined to go the English Patient/Titannic route of zzZzZzzZZZZ/crapfestola.
I’ll be here all week, ladies and gents. Feel free to forward me any tidbits you would like me to PREreview for you. Offer void where prohibited by law.
I’m also going to take this moment to step aside and pat myself on the back for “fucked up family is un-fucked by fucking the same fucker.” That’s the best sentence I’ve written in months!