The wholly-heterosexual and definitely Republican General JC Christian, who happens to live here in the Soviet of Washington, staked his claim on Maria Cantwell’s uterus today.

Sen. Maria Cantwell
United States Senate

Dear Sen. Cantwell,

Thank you for voting to give me complete ownership of my wife’s uterus. Your vote against the filibuster means a lot me. I’ve been eyeing Ofjoshua’s uterine property for years.

I’d like to return the favor. It’s a shame that your own uterus continues to be unclaimed by any man. We can’t allow that–it’s just too much responsibility. That’s why I’ve decided to ease your burden by laying claim to it myself.

No need to worry about anything. Just give me a call if you want to use your my uterus, and I’ll decide whether to allow it.

Of course, you’ll need to tattoo the words “Property of Gen. JC Christian, patriot” on your abdomen or wherever it is you keep those things. Be sure to leave room for another tattoo in case I decide to sell your my uterus to someone else.

Heterosexually* yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

*I’m not hitting on you. It’s just very important to me that people know that I’m a heterosexual. Cletis is a god damned liar!

Well done, sir. Well done.

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