Was not the first word that popped into my mind…

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INT. living room - night

We whirl around our young lovely couple, snuggled together on the couch. JCO leans into CMO, one hand on his thigh, her head resting on his chest. Flickering light illuminates their faces from the TV. It is a reality show hosted by a famous model, FRAULEIN, and features numerous bitchy people doing their best to design clothes. They are not always successful.

One contestant, RICKY, is known for his dreadful designs, lack of emotional control, and mesh hats.

jco

I hate that guy. He’s always wearing that screen-door hat that looks like a bug should be trapped inside.

CMO

He’s especially annoying because he’s not getting eliminated.

JCO

I think he has issues

CMO

(interrupting)

No doubt.

JCO

with his amygdala and other frontal lobe- “everything makes me burst into tears like a 6 foot mariconcita who just can’t stop the water works no matter how much I pray to our sweet lady of guadelupe and taffeta”-parts of the brain

CMO

Taffeta’s tough on a tender soul.

JCO

Indeed.

CUT TO

RICKY onscreen, crying and mentioning how he used to be a dancer. A fly lazily meanders inside his hat.

CUT TO

A shot of the lovely couple from behind watching the show. CMO holds JCO tightly.

CMO

Two weeks in a row and better designers have been auf’d instead of him. I think it’s a strategy.

JCO

I hate him.

CMO

You know who he reminds me of? The bad guy from Cobra mixed with Lawrence Fishburne.

cut to

+ =

CMO

Or Pat Benatar.

cut to

The verse riff from “Love is a Battlefield” plays in the background.

(beat)

cut to

JCO

Maybe not so much.

CMO

He’s like a 80’s B-movie midget monster with bad makeup.

cut to

CMO

You know, except for the part where he’s whiny, untalented, can’t design, can’t sew, and has no discernible personality he’s perfect.

We revolve around to look at the lovely couple again. CMO kisses JCO’s head. She looks up and smiles.

FADE

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They’re victims of their own genetics!

Some people do not give up even when they do not succeed.Theyrefuse to accept defeat and continue to try even when common sense tells others there’s no use in trying.

Tilmann Klein and Dr. Markus Ullsperger at the Max Planck Institute for Human Cognitive and Brain Sciences in Leipzig, Germany, believe they have found the genetic cause for this “stubbornness”. They discovered that a single genetic mutation can determine whether people repeat their mistakes. This mutation, named the A1 mutation, is found in about one-third of the population and causes a reduction in the amount of D2 receptors in the brain, which are the docking sites for dopamine.

Interesting. How many of our defining traits will we find that have a genetic basis? >70% What about if you add chemical interactions? 95%? More?

Science rocks.

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To avoid turning into a cooking-only website… here’s a video demonstrating the GOP idea of “bipartisanship” and “compromise”

(even without the politics, it’s funny, and a machinima video worth checking out)

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I had heard so much about this particular meal, I had to try it out.

Ingredients
2 cups steel cut oats
8 cups water
1 tsp. cinnamon
1/2 cup brown sugar
1 tsp. vanilla
3 tbsp butter
1-2 cups of dried fruit or fruits of choice (e.g. cranberries or raisins)

Directions:
1. Spray slow cooker with nonstick cooking spray. You will thank me later.
2. Put ingredients in slow cooker. Stir if you want.
2a. Depending on your fruit choices, like banana, you may not want to put them in until the morning.
3. Cook on LOW for 8-10 hours. (turn it on before you go to sleep, eat when you get up)

When I ate it, I added more brown sugar on top and some half and half (just a bit. Couldn’t taste it, really, but it is also discussed a lot in oatmeal recipes). I had planned on chopping up some almonds and throwing them in there, but in the harsh light o’ morning that just seemed like way too much work. Also, I had no dried fruit, so my meal was pretty institutional in its constituent parts. Which gave me a great basis for comparing it to undergrad oatmeal days.

Review: 4/5. It’s tasty. It’s good. It’s only a 4 because, hey, it’s oatmeal… can oatmeal ever be a 5? The steel cut, slow cooked oatmeal has a full, rich texture and taste you don’t get from instant. Or it could be all the butter. Hard to tell for sure. I’m sure it’s a combo of oats and cooker, but it is fuller, richer, and more flavorful than other oatmeals I’ve had. Good times.

No pictures. Hey, it’s oatmeal. You know what that looks like.

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Tired of slow cooking and missing asian food, I went for some Thai tonight, in the form of a spicy noodle dish with pork.

Ingredients:
8 oz pork tenderloin
8 oz rice noodles
1 red pepper
1 green pepper
4 cloves garlic
4 serrano peppers (or 7 thai chilies)
5 tbsp vegetable oil
3 tbsp soy sauce
1 tbsp oyster sauce
1 tsp sugar
1/2 tsp cornstarch
water (in 3 tbsp, 3 cup, and 1 tbsp amounts)

Optional:
basil leaves (stir fry 2/3rds, 1/3rd as fresh)
crushed peanuts (garnish)
crushed red peppers (garnish)
fresh squeezed lime (garnish)

You can substitute other meats in place of the pork. Chicken would be a good bet, I was just feeling chickened out and wanted to try the other white meat for once.

Prep:
Soak rice noodles in cold water for at least one hour.
Trim the pork. Cut into 1/4″ strips. Reserve
Cut the green and red peppers into 1/2″-1″ squares. Reserve.
Chop the chili peppers and garlic

This took me a goodly amount of time. Then again, I’m new to this whole cooking business, let alone the raw meat cutting portion. You could probably do the non-soaking part in under 20 minutes.

This dish is, like almost all Thai food, stir fried. If you haven’t stir fried before, it is not for the faint of heart (I lost an eye from exploding oil during the making of this dish, but luckily it regenerated by the time I go to the blogging.). Open flame is the best, tastiest way to do this, but if you don’t have a gas stove or fire pit, you’ll make do with what you’ve got (like me in my land o’ crappy electric appliances).

Most Thai calls for basil leaves to be added. I can’t stand basil, but if you like it, you should add it.

Directions

1. Heat your stir fry pan so that it’s hot and the oil is almost smoking.
2. Add the garlic and chili peppers. Cook for 30 seconds until garlic is browned.¹
3. Add the meat. Cook for 2 minutes.
4. Add soy sauce, sugar, oyster sauce, and 3 tbsp of water. Cook for 2 minutes.
5. Add the green and red peppers. Cook for 2-3 minutes until peppers start to soften.
6. Put 3 cups of water in a pot and bring to boil.
7. Take stir fry off of heat
8. Mix 1/2 tsp of corn starch and 1 tbsp of water in small dish. Stir until cornstarch is fully blended.
9. Add cornstarch-water mixture to stir fry and stir it in. Sauce should thicken somewhat.
10. Put stir fry back on heat. Cook for 1 minute.
11. Remove stir fry from heat and cover.
12. Drain noodles and place them in the boiling water. Cook for 30 seconds.
13. Drain noodles again and place them in serving dish.
14. Pour stir fry over noodles. Mix and serve immediately.

The dish is only moderately spicy at this point (tasty, but spicy). I recommend adding a mixture of some Thai hot sauce and Sriracha (rooster) sauce. This dish with those two hot sauces == heaven.

I’m not a big alcohol drinker, but this dish needs to be served with beer. I recommend Kirin Ichiban or some other similar quality-but-not-overpowering versatile brew. This dish with those sauces plus the Kirin == fuckin delicious.

Other additions I would add: lime, crushed red peppers, and crushed peanuts. In fact, I just went back and had a small dish with these additions and it was brilliant.

Food cost: $8, including sauces
Servings: 3 as a main dish, 6-8 as a side
Cost/serving: $2.67 as a main

Review: 5/5. I like chicken’s texture better, but the pork toughness is a good counterpart to the rice noodles’ softness. The peppers are perfect stir fried, still flavorful but not overpowering while being just the right mix of crunchy and juicy. The main dish is only moderately spicy and can be enjoyed by mortals. Adding the Thai hot sauce and Sriracha makes it fire alarm hot.

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I’m cooking up some Thai food tonight so I wanted to make some authentic Thai hot sauce. Given the dismal state of groceries around these parts, I had to improvise with serrano peppers instead of Thai chilies. The only problem with that is that serrano’s are much larger than Thai chilies, so I had to upsize my recipe accordingly.

Ingredients:
8 tbsp fish sauce
7 tbsp lime juice
2 tbsp lemon juice
2.5 tbsp sugar
7 serrano peppers, finely chopped
4 cloves of garlic, finely chopped
pinch of salt
dusting of black pepper (freshly ground)

Directions:
1. Put everything in a bowl.
2. Mix until sugar is dissolved.
3. Season to taste

This makes a fairly significantly-sized batch of very hot hot sauce. Note: when I say “very hot,” I mean it. I love hot sauce and this stuff will make an Indian blush and a Singaporean run for cover. Tasty, though, if you dig fish sauce-based condiments.

For a more rational portion size that you don’t have to store if you are making Thai food, go with 3 tbsp fish sauce, 3 tbsp lime, no lemon, 3 serrano peppers (or 7 thai chilies), and keep all the garlic. You’ll thank me later.

If you can handle the heat, you can serve this hot sauce with any asian dish that goes with fish sauce, though south asian cuisine works best.

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For this adventure in slow cooking, I thought I’d try something I’d never even heard of before - Brunswick Stew. Looking over the ingredients, I was nodding and mmm-hmm ing… right up until that point where it mentioned okra. And lima beans. (the original Brunswick stew used squirrel meat as well)

I’m not ready to go there just yet.

So I improvised.

Instead of okra, I added a yellow caribe pepper and a cubanelle pepper.

Recipe:
2 lb chicken
8 oz precooked ham, diced
3 medium onions, cut into wedges
1 head of garlic, diced
1 yellow caribe pepper
1 cubanelle pepper (similar to an angelino)
14.5 oz diced tomatoes (1 can)
14 oz chicken broth (1 can)
1 tsp dried mustard
1 tsp thyme (I used crushed leaves)
1 tbsp black pepper
1 tbsp Worchestershire sauce
1 tbsp hot sauce (I just squirted on the mix until it felt right)
1 cup butter beans
1 cup frozen whole kernel corn

My local grocer doesn’t carry cubed ham, so I got a 1 lb. section and diced it myself. You may have to do the same. For the hot sauce I decided to use some rooster sauce (AKA Huy Fong “Sriracha”). I don’t think it was quite the flavor I was craving, but I didn’t have any yu la jiao sitting around and I wasn’t going back to the store.

Directions:

1. Toss the onions, peppers, and garlic. Place in slow cooker.
2. Put chicken and ham on top of the onion mixture.
3. Sprinkle dried mustard, thyme, pepper over the mixture.
4. Add chicken and ham.
5. Add broth, tomatoes, Worchestershire sauce, and hot sauce.
6. Cook on low 8-10 hours, high 5-6 hours.
7. Add drained, washed butter beans, add corn. If you want, pull chicken out and cut into smaller bits.
8. Cook on high for 45 minutes

The traditional recipe has you adding olives, raisins, or fresh thyme and stirring it in at serving time. While I think sliced green olives would probably work well, I’m opting out of those additions.

Food cost: $20-25, depending on your meat choices, not including spices. $24 for me.
Servings: 6
Cost/serving: $3.33-$4.17

Here’s what it looks like cooked:

Here’s a slow cooker, in case you don’t have one.

Review: 4/5. tasty! meaty and rich, flavorful, and a touch spicy. I like this a touch less than the Garlic Stew with Other Bits (probably my cow-eating nature at heart), but it’s close.

Two more prep photos after the jump

Read the rest of this entry »

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There are idiots in the world who would actually pitch a fit because they can’t get a whopper. This makes me yearn for the dino killer to hit us soon.

I hope the Fox people didn’t actually pay for that cheesy ass robot football thing they have on screen about 50 times per game. It’s lamer than your boss using “Dude, Where’s My Car” jokes. In 2008.

The Sports Guy is right - “This is Ouuuur Couuuuuuntryyyyy” song is the worst thing I’ve heard since Jesus take the Wheel.

Peyton Manning? Kind of likable in that way that the kid who ate paste back in high school was likable. Not so much with the charisma. Also, he’s in 4 out of every 5 commercials that don’t have Ouuuuur Couuuuuuntryyyyy playing.

I think the US Armed Forces should be prohibited from spending public money on television ads in order to recruit youngsters to go die somewhere for the CEOs running this oligopoly.

From the commercials, I think everyone who ever buys or drives a car is a sexist idiot and/or works in the middle of the desert or ranch, and this is just going by the messages they are trying to send. Cadillac? Has a shitty commercial with a Bush (the band) loop and a woman driving in high heels. The punchline: “When you turn your car on, does it return the favor?”. VW has an ad with a baby (in a baby carrier) that cries any time the (male) driver isn’t gunning the engine and racing to 40 and above. On city streets. This is the “idiot” commercial.

Two commercials currently feature people breakdancing and doing the robot. Poorly, in both cases. One is to encourage us to use our credit cards more, the other is for the lowest common denominator fast food place. They’re both boring, horrid little things, but the fast food one almost won me over by the end.

You know those insurance commercials where they have a C-list celebrity doing counterpoint to “actual” customer experience? I thought Little Richard from last year or the year before was awesome, but now there is something awesomer - The Pips. I don’t care where you are or what you are selling, but if you put the Pips in there I’m buying. Well, appreciative of your commercial, anyway. The Pips are fucking awesome (happy train… woo woo!).

What do you mean there was a game on? With this sport it’s more like 3 commercials for every one play. By the time the insectoid armored militants were back on screen, I’d lost interest in whatever it was they were doing.

Actual sequence: 3 commercials. Kickoff. 4 commercials. 2 plays. 4 commercials. Play. 2 commercials. Actual time on the field: 48 seconds. Actual time in real life: 8 minutes. And people think this sport is exciting?

Oh, and I’m totally rooting for Team Evil (who won today, but did not play well). I can totally empathize with their dominance and the hatred that engenders from others. Buncha haters.

While I’ve always liked Green Bay and Favre, I really want the Giants to beat them. I am wishing for this simply because I am preemptively tired of hearing about Football Jesus Favre and the white-hat Packers having the last shot to knock Team Evil from their throne atop Mordor.

1 month until pitchers and catchers!

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Holy crap that’s awesome. Retarded, but AWWWWWEsome!

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Got a new neighbor. She has a dog. A tiny dog. That will not stop barking. If I did not hate small dogs before, I certainly do now.

Here’s my conception of the dog right after it has chewed through the crib, eaten the baby, and is now coming for your soul:

Obviously, this dog needs to be stopped. Just look at the eeeeeevil!
…
..
.

Yeah, fuck you too, Sparky. Your cute shall not work on me. Wanna know why? Because you won’t shut up! Shut up shut up shut up!

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In the spirit of Shining and Brokeback to the Future, I present to you American Psycho… as a relationship drama

Before you say anything, ghostfinger, yes. I know you hate this movie book. I do. I know that.

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New week, new adventures in cooking. I still like the spicy, so it was cajun time.

Recipe:
~1 lb. chicken breast, cut into 3/4″ pieces
6 oz. Andouille sausage
1 large onion, chopped
1 bell pepper
1 cup celery, chopped
14.5 oz (1 can), low sodium tomatoes, diced
14 oz (1 can) reduced sodium chicken broth
3 oz (1/2 can) tomato paste
1 tbsp Worchester sauce
2 tsp Boondoggle Cajun Seasoning (see below)
1.5 cups instant rice

I know, I know, instant rice. How embarassing! However, the recipe is designed so that the liquids soak into the rice and I didn’t know how much broth to take out for steamed rice.

You can use whatever seasoning you want, but I wanted to make it homemade. Here’s Boondoggle Cajun Seasoning:

2.5 tbsp paprika
2 tbsp salt
1.5 - 2 tbsp garlic (I used 2, probably too much)
1 tbsp each of:
white pepper
cayenne pepper
onion powder
oregano leaves
thyme leaves

Ingredients:

Not pictured: Worchester sauce, instant rice

In the slow cooker:

Directions:
1. Combine celery, onion, tomatoes, broth, paste, bell peppers, Worcestershire sauce and cajun seasoning. Stir in andouille and chicken
2. Cook on low 5-6 hours, high 2.5-3 hours
3. Stir in rice. Cover and let stand 10-15 minutes
4. Eat!

Total food cost: $18.00 (not including spices for homemade seasoning or Worchester sauce)
Servings: 6
Cost per serving: $3.00

Here’s a slow cooker, if you don’t have one.

Review: 3/5. I forgot, sorta, that I don’t like either the taste or texture of celery. Cajun… probably not the best choice for celery haters. I thought the slow cooker might help. It, uh, didn’t.

Update: the celery mellows in time and I like the jambalaya more after storing it for a few days. I still don’t like instant rice and overall the dish is still too… mushy for me. Also, after mellowing, it was no longer spicy. I had to add more Boondoggle seasoning and some tapatia. I’d eat it again, but it wouldn’t be my first choice.

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Another thing I wish I had thought of. I think ghostfinger’ll get a kick out of it.

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Why the fuck didn’t I think of, and trademark, Hookers for Jesus?

Fucking hell, that should be MINE!

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