Harry Potter 2

My rating: 1 - Electric Snoozaloo

60 second review: Seriously, could this dreck possibly be any worse? After the first cowardly, emotionless, zombie-esque stumble through the ruins of a fantastic book known as Harry Potter 1 (only good part: Hagrid), I really didn't think the series had anywhere to go but up.

Boy was I wrong.

In Harry Potter 2 (only good part: Hagrid), not only are we treated to the same take-no-chances-with-the-merchandising-machine horseshit we were shovelled last time, but this time we get even more! And it's even lamer! Less Hagrid, more Ron fuck-you,-comedic-sidekick Weasely one-liners. This movie is exactly the kind of thing that Charlie Kaufman makes fun of. A pinched loaf of "take the money and run," dropped right on our heads. Nevermind the fact that this entire series is essentially just another glorification of The Jock.

Yes, The Jock. What does Harry do? nothing. What does Harry add? nothing. How did Harry save himself? he didn't. Is he smart? no. Is he gifted in wizardry? not particularly. What is he good at, then? qidditch. what does he have an abundance of? luck, capable friends, and deus ex machina saviors. Basically, he's a likable guy who has good things happen to him. In other words, he's George W. Bush only without the frightening concept (or lack thereof) of civil liberities and without the hand of big oil up his ass (not that you can tell from the stilted acting and direction in HP2). Anyway, back to the movie.

So, once again you have the big bad Foozle. Once again you have mysterious helpers. Once again, there's qidditch. Once again fully-grown adults scream at what is (or should be) a 13-year old boy such prose as "You'll regret this, Potter!" or "You'll get what's coming to you, Potter!" Doesn't anyone else think this is absurd? Final straw for me was the poor planning on the movie makers' parts: in this movie the kids have obviously reached adolescence while the story has only advanced one year. Weasley's voice cracks. Do not watch the two movies back to back if you want to even imagine that this shit is a continuous arc. Coming next in HP3 ("the movie OMB doesn't see"): Hermione (the actress) has a nose ring and Potter sports a goatee. Oh, and they've also started playing up the Weasley forbidden luuurve of Hermione already, which doesn't show up in the books until late 3 or book 4

My actual prediction for what happens in the next one? Potter takes of his glasses, blinks a couple times, and gives this weird, toothless grin while staring vacantly at the camera or into a mirror. I know, I'm going out on a ledge here.

A 1 out of 5 rating for this stinking pile snooze. What a way to kill a franchise, Rowling.