So the never-had-talent tries to reinvent herself as a country star. It did not go well.

Audiences booed and clapped as the singer, 28, opened for Sara Evans on Saturday at the Country Thunder USA festival in Randall, Wisconsin.

“I don’t know what your perception is of Jessica Simpson or what tabloid you buy, but I just want you to know that I’m just a girl from Texas,” Simpson told the crowd. “I’m just like you. I’m doing what I love and dating a boy.“

J. Simp, honey, it’s not the singing they were booing. You have to know your audience, and cowboys like to keep that shit on the downlow, know what I’m sayin?

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Holy crap that’s awesome. Retarded, but AWWWWWEsome!

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Overheard from some poolside speakers on my walk back home:

You’re listening to Kxxx, your home for the best in soft rock.

… Coming up: Amy Grant and Wilson Phillips!

Me: you keep using that word. I do no think it think what you think it mean.

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Online checkin and printout of your boarding pass? Not so much.

Woohoo! I’m famous, bitches! Bow before me, for I am dangerous!

Oh, and the TSA and Bush administration can lick my sweaty nutsac. I’ve got your freedom of speech right here.

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There’s this girl who has a popular vlog on YouTube. I’m not quite sure why she’s popular other than that she’s pretty in that young way and has a calm, nonidiotic demeanor. I don’t find her content compelling, but then again, I’m not 17. She Daniel does do a good job with the editing/production values. Gotta love the Mac, eh?

Anyway, she’s very young. And she put up a vlog called “Boy Problems…”, which is about her friend, a boy, who likes her in that way, but she hadn’t considered that possibility:

Anyway, uber mundane. And an act, I’m sure. Happens every day, possibly multiple times per person (particularly for women who put themselves in such positions). Here’s the genius part, though: another guy does vlogs reviewing other vlogs, and he did a review of the Boy Problems one:

The 1:25 - 2:45 segment is the key bit. Good ending too. The Renetto guy, now him I find compelling.

Update: been watching more Renetto. I think I’m going to write his name in the next election. One more original + response after the jump.

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dday, a Kossack, is doing his/her best to further the agenda of the anti-funnytistas worldwide with this truly idiotic diary.

Summary: a tech dude was at YearlyKos. While there, a truck slammed through his house, and had he been there, both he and his child would have been killed. But they weren’t. Because of YearlyKos. So he said thank you, YK, for everything. Touching story. Give ‘em some PayPal lurve.

Then Harry Hutton (who is one of those natively hilarious types that drive us mere quippers insane with jealousy… yeah, I’m speaking to you too Worker #3116. bitches.) wrote (in reference, ironically):

I am not easily moved to tears, but this post had me crying like a baby. Just think… he could have been… and the little ones are safe?… thank God for that!

Kos once saved my life too. I was reading a post about Senator Joseph Lieberman, and it was so dull that I got up to run my head under a cold tap. Just then this assagai comes flying through the window. Zulus! Fuck! If it hadn’t been for Kos, I could have wound up in a cooking pot. I’ll always be grateful to him for that.

Anyway, so we formed a laager, called for reinforcements and went all Rorke’s Drift on their arses, and it all ended happily with a glorious slaughter of tribesmen. That was the day Boris Johnsons won the Victoria Cross.

Funny! Goddamn funny. I’m still LOL’ing over here. For the record, Hutton is a Brit lefty. There was another comment later, by dsquared … who happens to be a writer for the (lefty) Guardian:

That Daily Kos type is gonna feel pretty fucking stupid when the guy who missed him first time comes back for the second attempt.

Funny! Fun-nay.

Of course, D-Day, in his/her infinite wisdom, sees this and thinks “not funny! They are obviously eliminationist rightwing fascists!” because… drumroll please… mouthbreathing sack-of-hammer-stupid trogolodytes of the rightwing bigotsphere linked to the Hutton post! OMFG! It’s teh nazis! They link to Hutton, therefore Hutton is bad! (You wouldn’t happen to be a member of my State pursuing the same logic v. online “gambling” by any chance, would you?).

Here’s D-Day’s commentary:

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Apparently, powerful DC douchebags think that a Pride Parade is a good place to try and score chicks for a threesome. Also, they give out their real cards and try to hook up with women half their age.

Classy.

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to your eyes. I’ve written previously about my dislike of the DLC’er (formerly xian coalition Republican) Marshall Wittman (I believe the phrase I used was ‘worthless fucktard’). In addition to referring to himself in the third person as the Moose (of the Bull Moose/Teddy Rooseveltian era), he is of a kind with Joe Lieberman - not too bright, not a strategic thinker, invariably chooses the conservative/GOP side, and really only in this for himself. He brings nothing to the table.

In any event he apparently still has a job with the (worthless) DLC and still writes things and some people choose to read and respond to them. I don’t know why, but that’s beside the point. I don’t link to GOP operatives disguised as Vichy Dems, but Greg Sargent is still trying. Apparently, the useless fucktard recently said this:

To their credit, Joe Biden and Joe Lieberman are two additional high-profile Democrats who have put country before partisanship when it comes to foreign policy…And, of course, Joe Lieberman refuses to waver. While many politicians claim not to be guided by polls, Joe truly puts principle first. He is a profile in courage. The scorn of puerile bloggers and assorted lefties should be worn as a badge of honor.

Yes, Lieberman. A profile in courage. As opposed to a self-serving profile in narcissism and pandering. I love how threatened the moose pie is by bloggers, and “lefties”, and actual people. Of course his language is phrased in such a way that any disagreement with him is going to be put in the “partisanship” or “party before country” camp.

Why is it that people who put country before party and were right are deserving of scorn in the moose’s scrotum world, and yet those that put country before party and were absolutely, astoundingly, mindbogglingly wrong (to the cost of tens of thousands of lives and billions of dollars) should be proud? Why is it that those whose “country before partisanship” just happens to coincide with the GOP’s partisanship before country are to be given a pat on the head and called “good boy”? Why is it that standing up to dishonest thugs like BushCo to save our country’s citizens and fortunes partisan?

The DLC is filled with people who think like this. Biden, Lieberman, Hilary. People who think the only way to regain power is to keep losing elections. Apparently, they haven’t worked out step 3 of the equation, yet:

1. Act like a Republican
2. Lose elections
3. ?????
4. Profit!

In any event, the “country before party” is a rhetorical gimmick used solely to ensure that the person employing the gimmick wins whatever argument they are discussing. When 49% of the population favors immediate withdrawal from Iraq, it is, in the moose’s ass’ view, caving in to the fringe lefties and rabid radicals to do so. Actually, I think he calls it “caving to the base,” which, you know, is actually the point of the party in power. But if you disagree with half the country and you want to frame the debate so that you are above the fray, you call it “partisanship” to call for withdrawal. There is no principled opposition to your favored course of action, just people looking to their politics, while you look to the good of the country.

The DLC is increasingly so. I’d like to thank Wittman for helping to speed the day when we no longer pay attention to them and Shrum and Emmanuel no longer get their multimillion dollar paydays for being the world’s biggest losers (literally).

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… unless I’m being ironic. If I do end up with it, I’m going to buy it secondhand because the author is a born again moron embellisher with anti-me politics, so I don’t want her getting a red cent.

Anyway, the book is The Thrill of the Chaste : Finding Fulfillment While Keeping Your Clothes On. I hear the working title was You’re Going to Hell, Slut!

Finally, a book for single women who, unsatisfied with living a worldly lifestyle, want to give their lives a new and godly direction. Author Dawn Eden, a Jewish-born rock journalist turned salty Christian blog queen, gives these readers the positive and uplifting message that they’ve been wanting to hear-that spiritual healing and a renewed outlook await them. Using her own experiences in the New York City singles jungle, she shows women how they too can go from insecurity to purity, and from forlorn to reborn. She tells women who have been around the block how to find their way home.

Hah! Oh, there are so many awesome things about this book! The self-hatred. The superiority complex. The misogyny. The ignorance. The repression (and furtherance of repression). The submissiveness. The utter bullshit.

I now notice things about the men in my life that I never noticed before, like their thoughtfulness, their love of family, their integrity, even their vulnerability. These are intangible qualities that don’t jump out at you when you’re in a frame of mind where you’re viewing men only as potential dates. Put together, they add up to character. It’s the most important quality to seek in a husband, and the one that’s least discussed in this day and age.

Likewise, when you become chaste, you’ll notice for the first time that women who have sex outside of marriage don’t really appreciate men. You can’t see this when you’re having nonmarital sex, because you don’t realize how much there really is about men to appreciate. You think the mere fact that you’re attracted to them and that they seem to wield such power over you shows you appreciate them for what they really are.

As much as I like to be thought of as a dominant walking cock, I don’t really captures the true me. Well, OK, it does, but not the whole me. I was not aware that the minute my cock is inserted in the woman’s vagina, I become invisible to her… except for the cock part.

When I had nonmarital sex, I became accustomed to seeing myself as a commodity—a varied collection of looks, wit, intellect, and je ne sais quois. I looked for men whose commodities were worth as much as my own.

That’s because you were a groupie, Dawn. Your lack of self-esteem combined with your narcissism led you to seek out others just like you, so you could magnify your neuroses.

That you now choose to blame your feelings of emptiness and worthlessness on sex is your own damn problem. Instead of coming to the conclusion that the massive amounts of ass you were getting left you unfulfilled because it turns out you weren’t looking for physical closeness, you decided that the sex itself was what was making you feel worthless. Also, that raging case of herpes which you totally don’t have. At the very least, don’t project your own neuroses onto the rest of the world because, frankly, we left your sex-negative ignorant asses behind in the 16th century.

Enjoy those revirgin vagina treatments or whatever hackery you’re going to promote next.

Also, as a tip, you might have better luck finding a husband if you didn’t seem so damn desperate. Just trying to help.

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Dammit, I need to be quicker about these things. Apparently, the formerly-known-as-fun-and-cool Elfmans went apeshit over John Roecker’s shirt.

Indie film director John Roecker tells TMZ he was walking to his car with a female friend in LA’s trendy Los Feliz neighborhood last Sunday when he was approached by a shirtless man and a tall blonde. “Hey, man, you’re making fun of my religion,” said the stranger angrily.

Roecker quickly recognized the couple as actor Bodhi Elfman and his wife, ‘Dharma and Greg’ star Jenna Elfman. Mr. Elfman’s ire was apparently drawn by Roecker’s self-made t-shirt, which had a picture of Tom Cruise on the front under the caption “Scientology is Gay!” and a ‘Stayin’-Alive’-era John Travolta on the back with the words “Very Gay!” For the record, both Cruise and Travolta have said repeatedly they are not gay.

The shirt:

Here’s the thing, you coddled whiny ass titty baby scientologists (yeah, I’m talking to you too Isaac)… your religion is not special. Though you are pampered at every turn, though you are given accolades, tchotchkes, and are the recipient of constant ass kissing from every person within a 5 mile radius whose livelihood depends on the celebrity culture… you are not special. You are not Marie Antoinette. You are not Goaul’d. You are just another meat puppet sharing this rock, and if you are offended by a t-shirt, or the flavor of your mango chutney, or the fourth button on the arm of the couch… we don’t give a shit. Deal.

I didn’t intend for this to become pop culture blogging day, it’s just the most interesting news I’ve hit all morning.

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The death of Zarqawi, while not a time for celebration, is certainly in the camp of Good Things. We must remember, however, that he was but a prop used by the Bush administration to increase domestic fear, distract the public (Osama!) from the real bad guys they couldn’t get, a justification for their own failures, and as a straw man for their delusions. I haven’t blogged on Zarqawi’s death because there’s not much to say; he was a criminal figurehead, had few ties with al Qaeda, was not all that powerful in Iraq, did not work well with others, and was no good in the field. He’s a bit player puffed up by the Bushies to be a big thing.

Unlike, you know, Osama bin Laden.

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Richard Phillips. What a penurious, stupid dickhead.

An unfortunate email exchange about an incident in which a secretary splashed tomato ketchup on his trousers has been doing the rounds, not only among his colleagues but in London’s legal community.

And it has left the 36-year-old solicitor, who is said to earn well over £100,000, with egg on his face after he demanded £4 to dry clean the trousers.

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No, it totally wasn’t a propaganda ploy by the bloodthirsty chickenhawk neocons. At all.

Two weeks ago, Amir Taheri had an Op-Ed article in the Canadian National Post claiming that the Iranians have a law requiring Jews to wear yellow badges. It turned out to be a complete fabrication and has been the subject of much contempt among bloggers. So Tuesday, Taheri was invited to the White House along with other “experts” to give the president their “honest opinions.” With advice like that, our war in Iran will be a slam-dunk.

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The funny thing about this movie is that there are clearly 3 groups to hate and mock here.

1. The dude who goes to the library to look at porn and whack off, AKA The Loser;
2. His dad, who obviously has anger management and likely substance abuse issues, AKA The Raging Asshole;
3. The reporter, who is a condescending prick constantly making references to THE CHILDREN (as in “this computer is only feet away from THE CHILDREN”) as if it is somehow relevant; AKA The Pandering Dickhead.

Anyway, the movie’s pretty cringeworthy. I considered it for humor Friday, but it’s just too sad and it didn’t really strike me as funny. I’ll have to keep looking.

(I would embed it here, but it breaks my site formatting, so until I take the time to fix it, youtube has the movie)

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The dude is not only refusing to eliminate a run as an independent, but he’s also going to take his ball and go home.

After initially agreeing, Senator Lieberman has declined our invitation to participate in the MoveOn.org Political Action online primary for U.S. Senate in Connecticut.

The phrase ‘whiny little bitch’ comes to mind. In a completely gender-neutral sort of way, of course.

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