Apple’s CEO, Steve Jobs, finally unveiled the Apple iPad during an event today. The name of the new tablet was revealed only a few days ago, and aims to separate itself from tablet computers such as Microsoft’s new Slate PC category. Leaks have prepared us all for an “iPhone on steroids” and we recently estimated the release date to be April 2010. The “iPhone on steroids” has turned out to be a good description of the new Apple iPad, and the release date will indeed be April 2010.

Presumably with the different versions, there will be a mini and a maxi iPad. With any luck, the product will have … wait for it … wings.

bada boom!

Stupid name for a tweener product (doesn’t do what your laptop does, barely does more than the iPhone and still can’t make calls, too expensive, and yet another gadget to carry … yeah, not seeing the utility of this one).

By Rush Limbaugh

I know there are a lot of people out there who are upset about some of the things I’ve been saying on my radio program lately. My comments about the situation in Haiti have hurt and angered many Americans who genuinely care about the plight of the Haitian people, and that hurt and anger will likely never go away. Many of you are probably wondering, “What would compel a human being to say things like that?” Well, here’s your answer: I am a very bad person. And, to tell you the truth, I don’t really want to be alive anymore.
…

The irony is that, even if I did die, the hell I would surely be sent to could not possibly be any worse than the bottomless pool of excrement I already paddle around in like some demented, shit-covered walrus. In fact, every time I hear my voice coming through the headphones I nearly gag, and I think, “What the fuck am I doing?” Why would I say that Michael J. Fox is faking his Parkinson’s symptoms? Why would I find it funny to play a song called “Barack the Magic Negro”? Why would I tell people not to give aid to Haiti?

What the fuck is wrong with me?

Good times

What Dad got:

What Dad thought he saw:

heh

From: Simon Edhouse
Date: Monday 16 November 2009 2.19pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Logo Design

Hello David,

I would like to catch up as I am working on a really exciting project at the moment and need a logo designed. Basically something representing peer to peer networking. I have to have something to show prospective clients this week so would you be able to pull something together in the next few days? I will also need a couple of pie charts done for a 1 page website. If deal goes ahead there will be some good money in it for you.

Simon

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 16 November 2009 3.52pm
To: Simon Edhouse
Subject: Re: Logo Design

Dear Simon,

Disregarding the fact that you have still not paid me for work I completed earlier this year despite several assertions that you would do so, I would be delighted to spend my free time creating logos and pie charts for you based on further vague promises of future possible payment. Please find attached pie chart as requested and let me know of any changes required.

Regards, David.

It goes on from there.

That reminds me of the interactions I used to have back in the day (I was not the “entrepreneur” side of the equation. Good times, good times. Now I have to be all professional and important-like instead of driving circles of hilariously acerbic wit[fn1] around imbeciles who don’t have a fucking clue and/or are a CEO.

… unfortunately, he doesn’t offer an RSS feed. Cocksucker.

I should also mention that I’ve mentioned him before for one of the funniest email strings ever.

FN1. my perspective, but I assure you it is accurate. Q.E.D.

Make sure to check out the customer-submitted pictures.

Hee

Only downside is that the diptards don’t have an RSS feed. Ijits.

If you want to make your own, try the parody motivator generator or BHL’s motivator.

Seriously. I fuckin hate Tolkein.

Comedian George Carlin, a counter-culture hero famed for his routines about drugs, dirty words and the demise of humanity, died of heart failure at a Los Angeles-area hospital on Sunday. He was 71.

Carlin was amazing. His routines were those of a 2%er who managed to actually connect with the rest of the world. From religion to sex to politics to culture to plain reason, he was a veritable cornucopia of wit and humor.

In sum, I have this to say: shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits.

Some favorite quotes.

Religion convinced the world that there’s an invisible man in the sky who watches everything you do. And there’s 10 things he doesn’t want you to do or else you’ll go to a burning place with a lake of fire until the end of eternity. But he loves you! …And he needs money! He’s all powerful, but he can’t handle money!

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don’t have as many people who believe it.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.

Update: he got better as he got older. To a point. Just don’t read the later books.

Here’s my favorite response. It also happens to be the best exemplar of the CL buyerflake, evar!

From: [name withheld] <[something]@hotmail.com>
Subject: Desk.
To: [me]

I can come tonight and pick up your desk & haul it away.

I have $23 bucks in my purse at this very moment. Are you set on 25?

AWESOME!

I ended up just donating the desk, btw.

Despite the name it is not, apparently, meant for the blending of hands into a tasty after-school margarita mix. ’tis a pity.

Subject Trash Compactor
From Death Star Detention Level Janitor Date A Long Time Ago 7:46 PM
To Nardo Pace

Hey, kid. That trash compactor you designed is up and running and I’ve got to say it looks great. Lots of grime, a magnetically sealed hatch that can’t be opened from the inside, a tentacled garbage creature that practically serves no purpose at all. It’s got everything a salty old janitor could ever want.

good times. Palpatine was my favorite.

And there’s more, including a mug and a spaghetti strap tank top for that cute girlfriend of yours. The dark color shirts (black, maroon, green, blue) are selling like hotcakes.

Supplies are unlimited! Make sure you get yours today before they don’t run out!

(if you want, you can make your own stuff, too)