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Lazy, lazy, lazy …

Right up there with the reality show “I’m not here to make friends”

So this one about Pandorum was fun.

I am not going to toy with your emotions the way I usually do in reviews like these and give you some long political analysis about class or social anxiety or lesbians. The fact is that this movie was lame, both as a movie and as a cultural symptom. It was dimly lit, filled with boring spaceship corridors and even more boring monsters, and lightly sprinkled with a backstory far more interesting than the front story. Watching Pandorum was like playing a metal album backwards to hear the Satanic messages and getting only some voice saying, “I like balloons” over and over again.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

“Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” is a horrible experience of unbearable length, briefly punctuated by three or four amusing moments. One of these involves a dog-like robot humping the leg of the heroine. Such are the meager joys. If you want to save yourself the ticket price, go into the kitchen, cue up a male choir singing the music of hell, and get a kid to start banging pots and pans together. Then close your eyes and use your imagination.

He’s at his best when a movie truly annoys him. In my opinion, they should keep Gitmo open just so we can stick Bay and Ratner in there for crimes against humanity.

Rosencrantz and Gildenstern are Undead

Seriously, how did I not think of that already? Dammit. My future career goal as a porn movie title copyrighter, long on hold, is not looking any brighter here.

Seriously. I fuckin hate Tolkein.

I can’t believe it took me 30 years to find it. It … defies description so you’re just going to have to watch it yourself.

No, wait. Seriously? They filmed that? It made it past editing and was actually released? Inconceivable!

Update: the song was written by the actresses. Bravo! … but was edited out of the final US cut. Boo!

In the spirit of Shining and Brokeback to the Future, I present to you American Psycho… as a relationship drama

Before you say anything, ghostfinger, yes. I know you hate this movie book. I do. I know that.

Vatican blasts Golden Compass as Godless and hopeless

The Vatican on Wednesday condemned the film “The Golden Compass,” which some have called anti-Christian, saying it promotes a cold and hopeless world without God.

In a long editorial, the Vatican newspaper l’Osservatore Romano, also slammed Philip Pullman, the bestselling author of the book on which the family fantasy movie is based.

It was the Vatican’s most stinging broadside against an author and a film since it roundly condemned “The Da Vinci Code” in 2005 and 2006.

“In Pullman’s world, hope simply does not exist, because there is no salvation but only personal, individualistic capacity to control the situation and dominate events,” the editorial said.

In addition to the part where the books are teh awesome!!1!11!!1 (and only mouthbreathing ijits actually think they’re anti-god (they’re gnostic at the core, and anti-dogma and anti-formal structure. “god” is a nice dude with a bitchass major domo)… where was I? Oh yeah, anything that has Dobson, Robertson, and Popeferatu against is a must-experience. Must.

Last night I had this amazingly full, complete, and remembered dream. In this dream, I created what is probably the worst movie in the history of the universe. Here’s my pitch:

Tugz

A family’s struggle. A mother’s pride. A father’s joy. A grandmama’s cooking. Join the ___’s, a wacky, crazy, loving, fighting, warm – oh, and did I mention they’re black? – as they journey to togetherness in the world tug o’ war olympiad. There’s the prodigal son with old angers and hidden issues who still loves his family. Secretly and begrudgingly. Then you have the sister with man troubles. Smart aleck kids! And all held together by the Grandmama who cooks, hugs, berates, aaaaand anchors the tug o’ war team! Did I mention they’re black? It’s crazywhackyfun for the entire community. It’s Barbershop, Tyler Perry, Oprah, and every Martin Lawrence or Eddie Murphy movie since 1990 all rolled into one.

Something this awful has to sell, right?

Holy shit, that was awesome. 5/5!

Discuss

I just saw the teaser poster for Hot Fuzz:

The guy on the left? That’s Simon Pegg. You know, that hilarious guy from Spaced and Shaun of the Dead? The guy on the right? That’s Ed from Shaun of the Dead. Ed!

I’m psyched for Hot Fuzz just based on Pegg’s involvement, though I really think they need to get working on Day of the Ed.

Netflix! Unless you’re a sports or talk show junkie, once you subscribe to Netflix, you no longer need to pay for cable. If you cancel your cable and keep a 3-disc Netflix setup, that will save you anywhere from $30 to $85 per month ($360 to $1020/year).

(if you join Netflix, enter my friends network so I can send you inappropriate movies that you’ll hate suggestions that you’ll love and vice versa)

So I’m flipping through channels this morning, doing my best to just maintain a null state for a while, and what comes up? Why, only the best concert movie in the history of ever, Prince’s Sign ‘o the Times!!!!1!1

Not only is SotT my #1 personally most influential album of all time, but I watched the movie on VHS so many times that I wore through the tape.

The music of SotT is the ultimate expression of Prince’s most fecund songwriting period (’84-86, mainly, though up to the epiphany in ’88). The songs of this era were, in my opinion, his most adventurous (yet still accessible); at no other time period would he write something like Ballad of Dorothy Parker, Starfish & Coffee, and team them up with Housequake, Adore, and U Got the Look. This period of his career is essentially a taste explosion, and who doesn’t love a taste explosion? A taste explosion… in your earhole, baby!

The movie captures both his energy and his knockdown awesome live show, with a great band, interesting stage activities, and kickass music. And the 9 minute “Gonna be a beautiful night” is live R&B at it’s finest.

This movie, in addition to the album, shaped much of my conception of the ideal in music performance and composition. Watching it today, after many years and as a much better musician, I was just as impressed as the first time, though I was struck by different things. Some were as striking, like Sheila E. in her see-through two-piece one-legged FloJo suit. That was definitely still striking (she can also play a hell of a drum). Where was I? Striking, oh yes. Tightness of the band, the interesting changes to he makes for live music as opposed to the studio, the turns, the stage acting, the kick drum…

Unfortunately the movie is no-…. holy shit it’s finally out on DVD! Have to get it through importers, though, but yes! Finally!
… had to go order it, back now. Anyway, if you want the DVD, order through Amazon.ca, the only version available from amazon.com is the Brazillian import, which is missing the Dolby 5.0 treatment.

Um, where was I? I don’t know. All I know is that Sign o’ the Times was playing on TV, I was enraptured and giddy like a child. There was probably some mouthbreathing and drool as well.

Good times.

Except for that talent and storytelling things, I’m right there.

The second one’s more on point, but you need the intro to his story that starts partway through the first one above to really understand.

This is getting eerie. Even the zipper thing happened to me once!

And then he does cool stuff like making a short parody of one of YouTube’s most famous vids and a special intro for the YouTube peepsalong with a behind the scenes thing and a trailer release straight to YouTube. So, yeah, he gets the whole social network thing, I’m thinking. Also, he blogs.

For triple extra bonus points of synchonicity weirdness, the Hey song he’s parodying/using? Is also on point, lyrically speaking.

I wonder why I have to live my life when so many other people are apparently living it for me. Heh.