Right up there with the reality show “I’m not here to make friends”

I am not going to toy with your emotions the way I usually do in reviews like these and give you some long political analysis about class or social anxiety or lesbians. The fact is that this movie was lame, both as a movie and as a cultural symptom. It was dimly lit, filled with boring spaceship corridors and even more boring monsters, and lightly sprinkled with a backstory far more interesting than the front story. Watching Pandorum was like playing a metal album backwards to hear the Satanic messages and getting only some voice saying, “I like balloons” over and over again.

“Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” is a horrible experience of unbearable length, briefly punctuated by three or four amusing moments. One of these involves a dog-like robot humping the leg of the heroine. Such are the meager joys. If you want to save yourself the ticket price, go into the kitchen, cue up a male choir singing the music of hell, and get a kid to start banging pots and pans together. Then close your eyes and use your imagination.

He’s at his best when a movie truly annoys him. In my opinion, they should keep Gitmo open just so we can stick Bay and Ratner in there for crimes against humanity.

Rosencrantz and Gildenstern are Undead

Seriously, how did I not think of that already? Dammit. My future career goal as a porn movie title copyrighter, long on hold, is not looking any brighter here.

Seriously. I fuckin hate Tolkein.

No, wait. Seriously? They filmed that? It made it past editing and was actually released? Inconceivable!

Update: the song was written by the actresses. Bravo! … but was edited out of the final US cut. Boo!

Before you say anything, ghostfinger, yes. I know you hate this movie book. I do. I know that.

The Vatican on Wednesday condemned the film “The Golden Compass,” which some have called anti-Christian, saying it promotes a cold and hopeless world without God.

In a long editorial, the Vatican newspaper l’Osservatore Romano, also slammed Philip Pullman, the bestselling author of the book on which the family fantasy movie is based.

It was the Vatican’s most stinging broadside against an author and a film since it roundly condemned “The Da Vinci Code” in 2005 and 2006.

“In Pullman’s world, hope simply does not exist, because there is no salvation but only personal, individualistic capacity to control the situation and dominate events,” the editorial said.

In addition to the part where the books are teh awesome!!1!11!!1 (and only mouthbreathing ijits actually think they’re anti-god (they’re gnostic at the core, and anti-dogma and anti-formal structure. “god” is a nice dude with a bitchass major domo)… where was I? Oh yeah, anything that has Dobson, Robertson, and Popeferatu against is a must-experience. Must.

Tugz

A family’s struggle. A mother’s pride. A father’s joy. A grandmama’s cooking. Join the ___’s, a wacky, crazy, loving, fighting, warm – oh, and did I mention they’re black? – as they journey to togetherness in the world tug o’ war olympiad. There’s the prodigal son with old angers and hidden issues who still loves his family. Secretly and begrudgingly. Then you have the sister with man troubles. Smart aleck kids! And all held together by the Grandmama who cooks, hugs, berates, aaaaand anchors the tug o’ war team! Did I mention they’re black? It’s crazywhackyfun for the entire community. It’s Barbershop, Tyler Perry, Oprah, and every Martin Lawrence or Eddie Murphy movie since 1990 all rolled into one.

Something this awful has to sell, right?

Discuss

The guy on the left? That’s Simon Pegg. You know, that hilarious guy from Spaced and Shaun of the Dead? The guy on the right? That’s Ed from Shaun of the Dead. Ed!

I’m psyched for Hot Fuzz just based on Pegg’s involvement, though I really think they need to get working on Day of the Ed.

(if you join Netflix, enter my friends network so I can send you inappropriate movies that you’ll hate suggestions that you’ll love and vice versa)

Not only is SotT my #1 personally most influential album of all time, but I watched the movie on VHS so many times that I wore through the tape.

The music of SotT is the ultimate expression of Prince’s most fecund songwriting period (’84-86, mainly, though up to the epiphany in ’88). The songs of this era were, in my opinion, his most adventurous (yet still accessible); at no other time period would he write something like Ballad of Dorothy Parker, Starfish & Coffee, and team them up with Housequake, Adore, and U Got the Look. This period of his career is essentially a taste explosion, and who doesn’t love a taste explosion? A taste explosion… in your earhole, baby!

The movie captures both his energy and his knockdown awesome live show, with a great band, interesting stage activities, and kickass music. And the 9 minute “Gonna be a beautiful night” is live R&B at it’s finest.

This movie, in addition to the album, shaped much of my conception of the ideal in music performance and composition. Watching it today, after many years and as a much better musician, I was just as impressed as the first time, though I was struck by different things. Some were as striking, like Sheila E. in her see-through two-piece one-legged FloJo suit. That was definitely still striking (she can also play a hell of a drum). Where was I? Striking, oh yes. Tightness of the band, the interesting changes to he makes for live music as opposed to the studio, the turns, the stage acting, the kick drum…

Unfortunately the movie is no-…. holy shit it’s finally out on DVD! Have to get it through importers, though, but yes! Finally!
… had to go order it, back now. Anyway, if you want the DVD, order through Amazon.ca, the only version available from amazon.com is the Brazillian import, which is missing the Dolby 5.0 treatment.

Um, where was I? I don’t know. All I know is that Sign o’ the Times was playing on TV, I was enraptured and giddy like a child. There was probably some mouthbreathing and drool as well.

Good times.

Except for that talent and storytelling things, I’m right there.

The second one’s more on point, but you need the intro to his story that starts partway through the first one above to really understand.

This is getting eerie. Even the zipper thing happened to me once!

And then he does cool stuff like making a short parody of one of YouTube’s most famous vids and a special intro for the YouTube peepsalong with a behind the scenes thing and a trailer release straight to YouTube. So, yeah, he gets the whole social network thing, I’m thinking. Also, he blogs.

For triple extra bonus points of synchonicity weirdness, the Hey song he’s parodying/using? Is also on point, lyrically speaking.

I wonder why I have to live my life when so many other people are apparently living it for me. Heh.

Update: the video, which was the trailer for the upcoming Borat movie has been removed. Frankly, this is idiotic. If you’re a movie company, or a band, or anything that relies upon buzz and lots of consumers for your product, you want people to be excited about your product. You want them to be talking about it and spreading the word.

So fuck you, Borat distributors. You shortsighted idiots, you.

An anonymous e-mail scooper reported to the site that their friend who works at a film production company in Hollywood has the job that requires him to searching the Motion Picture Association of America’s title registry for upcoming movies, in order to see any conflicts with current or pending titles.

Don’t you love news stories that involved anonymous e-mails, rumors, and facts that came from a “friend”?

Well supposedly a recent search has turned up the following registered movie names: Snakes on a Boat, Snakes on a Train, Snakes on a Plane 2, More Snakes on a Plane, and Snakes in Space.

My vote is for Snakes on ANOTHER Motherf*in Plane! as the sequel title.

Paralyzed by postgraduation ennui, a group of college friends remain on campus, patching together a community for themselves in order to deny the real-world futures awaiting them. Academy Award–nominated screenwriter Noah Baumbach’s hilarious and touching directorial debut was one of the highlights of the American independent film scene of the nineties, speaking directly to a generation of adults-to-be unable to reconcile their hermetic educational experience with workaday responsibility, and posing the eternal question, where do we go from here? Stingingly funny and incisive, Baumbach’s breakthrough features endlessly quotable dialogue, delivered by a stellar ensemble cast.

Bean, the Movie – 3/5. It’s some of the better bits from the TV show. If it’s your first introduction to Bean, it’s hiliarious, but otherwise unnecessary.

The Black Adder, Season 1 – 3/5. I think you have to both appreciate British history and cheesy sitcoms to really enjoy this. Rowan Atkinson is a spedcial kind of talent, that’s for sure.

Chungking Express – 4/5. Wong Kar Wai’s first crossover movie, and it’s a good one. Two movies, actually, with a split in the middle and only a bit of crossover. Tony Leung and Faye Wong star.

City of God – 4/5. Boyz in the Hood, if the Hood is Rio. Aside from the crushing poverty and rampant violence, one of the most striking things of the movie is how beautiful Brazillians are.

The Cooler – 4/5. Quirky, enjoyable. It’s supposed to be W.H. Macy’s movie, but Alec Baldwin steals the show. The movie follows a guy whose luck is so bad that he is employed by a casino to cool off anyone who is winning by too much. And then he falls in love…

Gentleman’s Agreement – 2/5. Featuring a so-young-as-to-be-unrecognizable Gregory Peck, this movie is a heavy handed diatribe on the evils of antisemitism. Antisemitism is bad! Bad, bad, bad! As a message, it’s great. As a movie, this is dogshit.

Gladiator – 1/5. I hated it in the theatres, I still hate it. Ridley Scott and his awful direction should stick to commercials or glacially paced scifi horror movies. Anyone who pulls the 12fps/48fps directorial bullshit during a fight scene to show the “ebb and flow” of the action deserves to be taken behind the NYU woodshed.

Good Night, and Good Luck – 4/5. Good movie, well told. Some annoying indie schtick (the jazz interludes). Stratham’s role of a lifetime.

Irma Vep – 4/5. Gonzo filmmaking plus satire of French New Wave cinema. Maggie Cheung is awesome in this role written specifically for her by her ex-husband. Think: Being John Malkovich meets In the Presence of a Clown meets Shadow of the Vampire.

La Femme Nikita – 5/5. French original, not shitty American remake. Still Luc Besson’s best, with an edginess not recently captured. I can’t believe they made a TV series out of what is essentially an indictment of the sociopathy of governments.

Matchstick Men – 2/5. Was a 4 right up until the bullshit ending. Grifters getting grifted was good, but don’t fucking show the post-mortem, particularly when it’s just to rescue the reputation of an actress who wants a big time Hollywood career show the grifter with a heart of gold angle. Plus, upon reflection, the movie is told in a fundamentally dishonest way, which is unfair to the audience.

Maverick – 4/5. Good, clean fun, with good acting and rapport. They really needed to do a Maverick 2, but I think Garner’s health and the animosity between Foster and Gibson probably short circuited that.

MST3K: The Wild World of Batwoman – 2/5. Even the MST3K boys couldn’t save this thing. Dear FSM, it’s awful. Best line: “Hello, college Republicans”… guess you had to be there.

The Mummy – 2/5. Mindless crap action. Bonus: Rachel Weisz, not as bad as The Mummy Returns.

My Summer of Love – 2/5. I have no idea what makes this movie remarkable other than a lesbian angle and that its competence won it a BAFTA award. It’s got some potential and cute moments, but overall it feels strained, awkward, and amateurish. Emily Booth could be a doppelganger for Fiona Apple, and may make a career out of this movie business.

Phantom of the Opera – 2/5. It has pretty costumes, shitty music, a retarded plot, and horrid acting.

Romance – 2/5. French existentialism with “shocking” graphic sexual content. Supposedly an exploration of need, desire, love, and sex… movie would have been a lot better – and shorter – if the protagonist had dumped her boyfriend in the first 20 minutes.

Stargate – 3/5. It’s a crap movie, but it’s fun. Too bad it was successful, because it directly lead to the decline of Western civilization via ID4 and Godzilla.

Uzumaki – 1/5. Japanese horror film. Two of earlier examples of which, Ringu and Ju-on, have been remade as Hollywood thrillers The Ring and The Grudge. Uzumaki will not be a third. It’s a cheese fest with Saturday night made-for-TV movie scare attempts. It feels like it had a budget of about $20 and a student film crew headed by the cliched gotcha! direction of M. Night Shyamalamadingdong.

1. Ikiru
2. The Man in the Gray Flannel Suit
3. ___

I really need to get out of this ennui phase. Maybe Office Space would end the minifest on a high note, and it’s not like Kurosawa doesn’t need some counterbalancing.

Then again… who doesn’t want to see snakes on a plane?

Dimension Films has completed a deal to turn the ABC series “Welcome Back, Kotter” into a feature film, with Ice Cube producing and playing the title character.

I’m fairly certain I have an elective colonoscopy scheduled for the day this movie releases. It’ll be more fun than the movie.

Now, I’m going to spoil the “joke” if you keep reading. Instead of hiding it in spoiler markup, just skip the blockquote if you don’t want to know. Here goes:

A man, his wife, their son, their daughter and the family dog walk into a talent agent’s office and says “I’ve got a great act, audiences love us.”

The talent agent says, “Great, what do you do?”

[ and here's where the comedian shows their mettle, with their description of the act. Typically, this involves shit, piss, cum, fucking, fisting, incest, asses, dicks, pussies, and cunts. Typically. And that's just the first couple minutes. ]

At the end, the talent agent says “What do you call your act?”

The man says, with a big shit eating grin on his face (and a flourish) “The Aristocrats!”

I enjoy watching comedians just going at it. The 4/5 rating is not for The Aristocrats as released – it’s a pretty shitty documentary, probably a 2/5, but for the Aristocrats is actually for the almost unedited full tellings in the special features section of the DVD.

The comedians that most stood out to me were the intellectual ones, not the schticky ones. I thought the cream of the crop was Bob Saget, Kevin Pollack telling the joke as Christopher Walken, the South Park bit, Sarah Silverman (though admittedly my other brain might be clouding my judgement there), Taylor Nagron, George Carlin doing the intellectual angle, and Gilbert Godfried just going for it at the Hefner roast. Oh, and Doug Stanhope telling it to his infant. That was just precious. Oh, and Ron Jeremy too.

Good times, good times.

Here’s five words I thought I would never utter in sequence: Bob Saget is my hero.

The people should not fear the government, the government should fear the people.

Alan Moore’s among my favorite writers, and this is his second best work (the first being Watchmen). Too bad it has Natalie “I can’t act” Portman in it, but otherwise, looks to be some good times. If you have the opportunity, I highly recommend the graphic novel upon which the movie is based.