Why the fuck didn’t I think of, and trademark, Hookers for Jesus?

Fucking hell, that should be MINE!

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Here’s a hot tamale for you:

I’ll be working on the boobies, beefcake, and gams posts later.

… nice to have the site back. Fuck you, skr1p7 k1dd13s.

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Buh-bye pr0n

The personal blog of San Francisco’s Violet Blue, a sex writer published in the San Francisco Chronicle and Valleywag’s sister site, has been removed from the Google index, along with several other adult sites. Tiny Nibbles, which runs a well-known annual list of the year’s sexiest geeks, does not show in Google’s search results, even if filters are turned off. Other sites affected include ErosBlog, a sex news site, and Comstock Films, which makes adult movies of real-life couples. The content’s all legal, and naughty, rather than degrading. Some word Violet wrote probably triggered a Google ban, inadvertently, but the search engine’s rules are opaque, as is the procedure for an appeal against deletion. You think there are other search engines, so that’s okay? There are no other search engines.

Personal pr0n, anyway. Bigger players such as Vivid, Adam and Eve, and other more corporate-ish sex sites are still available of course, but the personal sites? Not so much.

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Apparently, powerful DC douchebags think that a Pride Parade is a good place to try and score chicks for a threesome. Also, they give out their real cards and try to hook up with women half their age.

Classy.

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… unless I’m being ironic. If I do end up with it, I’m going to buy it secondhand because the author is a born again moron embellisher with anti-me politics, so I don’t want her getting a red cent.

Anyway, the book is The Thrill of the Chaste : Finding Fulfillment While Keeping Your Clothes On. I hear the working title was You’re Going to Hell, Slut!

Finally, a book for single women who, unsatisfied with living a worldly lifestyle, want to give their lives a new and godly direction. Author Dawn Eden, a Jewish-born rock journalist turned salty Christian blog queen, gives these readers the positive and uplifting message that they’ve been wanting to hear-that spiritual healing and a renewed outlook await them. Using her own experiences in the New York City singles jungle, she shows women how they too can go from insecurity to purity, and from forlorn to reborn. She tells women who have been around the block how to find their way home.

Hah! Oh, there are so many awesome things about this book! The self-hatred. The superiority complex. The misogyny. The ignorance. The repression (and furtherance of repression). The submissiveness. The utter bullshit.

I now notice things about the men in my life that I never noticed before, like their thoughtfulness, their love of family, their integrity, even their vulnerability. These are intangible qualities that don’t jump out at you when you’re in a frame of mind where you’re viewing men only as potential dates. Put together, they add up to character. It’s the most important quality to seek in a husband, and the one that’s least discussed in this day and age.

Likewise, when you become chaste, you’ll notice for the first time that women who have sex outside of marriage don’t really appreciate men. You can’t see this when you’re having nonmarital sex, because you don’t realize how much there really is about men to appreciate. You think the mere fact that you’re attracted to them and that they seem to wield such power over you shows you appreciate them for what they really are.

As much as I like to be thought of as a dominant walking cock, I don’t really captures the true me. Well, OK, it does, but not the whole me. I was not aware that the minute my cock is inserted in the woman’s vagina, I become invisible to her… except for the cock part.

When I had nonmarital sex, I became accustomed to seeing myself as a commodity—a varied collection of looks, wit, intellect, and je ne sais quois. I looked for men whose commodities were worth as much as my own.

That’s because you were a groupie, Dawn. Your lack of self-esteem combined with your narcissism led you to seek out others just like you, so you could magnify your neuroses.

That you now choose to blame your feelings of emptiness and worthlessness on sex is your own damn problem. Instead of coming to the conclusion that the massive amounts of ass you were getting left you unfulfilled because it turns out you weren’t looking for physical closeness, you decided that the sex itself was what was making you feel worthless. Also, that raging case of herpes which you totally don’t have. At the very least, don’t project your own neuroses onto the rest of the world because, frankly, we left your sex-negative ignorant asses behind in the 16th century.

Enjoy those revirgin vagina treatments or whatever hackery you’re going to promote next.

Also, as a tip, you might have better luck finding a husband if you didn’t seem so damn desperate. Just trying to help.

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The funny thing about this movie is that there are clearly 3 groups to hate and mock here.

1. The dude who goes to the library to look at porn and whack off, AKA The Loser;
2. His dad, who obviously has anger management and likely substance abuse issues, AKA The Raging Asshole;
3. The reporter, who is a condescending prick constantly making references to THE CHILDREN (as in “this computer is only feet away from THE CHILDREN”) as if it is somehow relevant; AKA The Pandering Dickhead.

Anyway, the movie’s pretty cringeworthy. I considered it for humor Friday, but it’s just too sad and it didn’t really strike me as funny. I’ll have to keep looking.

(I would embed it here, but it breaks my site formatting, so until I take the time to fix it, youtube has the movie)

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Republican Culture of Corruption

The Wall Street Journal reported today that indicted former California Congressman Randall “Duke” Cunningham may not have limited his good times to partying on a rented yacht. It turns out the FBI is currently investigating two defense contractors who allegedly provided Cunningham with free limousine service, free stays at hotel suites at the Watergate and the Westin Grand, and free prostitutes.

The two defense contractors who allegedly paid most of the bills, said the Journal, were Brent Wilkes, the founder of ADCS Inc., and Mitchell Wade, the founder of MZM Inc.; both firms profited greatly from their connections with Cunningham. The Journal also suggested that other lawmakers might be implicated. I’ve learned from a well-connected source that those under intense scrutiny by the FBI are current and former lawmakers on Defense and Intelligence comittees—including one person who now holds a powerful intelligence post. I’ve also been able to learn the name of the limousine service that was used to ferry the guests and other attendees to the parties: Shirlington Limousine and Transportation of Arlington, Virginia. Wilkes, I’ve learned, even hired Shirlington as his personal limousine service.

I shall dub thee Watergategate. The person who “now holds a powerful intelligence post” is Porter Goss, the head of the CIA, btw.

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Malena - 4/5

Malena is a beautiful picture without an overabundance of dialogue. It stars Monica Bellucci as the eponymous character, and her magnetic beauty dominates the movie - as it was intended to. Malena works on multiple levels - coming of age, budding sexuality, obsession, human cruelty - but it is primarily director Giuseppe Tornatore’s ode to his beloved Italy.

There’s a lot to like here. Beautifully shot, the easy symbology, the score, multiple points of interest thematically, humor, love … oh, and Monica Bellucci is nekkid. A lot. Full frontal nekkid, even (import version only). There’s something for everyone! Unless you’re into cock, in which case I think there’s half a ball at one point and the rest is up to your imagination. Me? I’ve got Monica. Hubba hubba.

You know, Bellucci probably deserves more credit as an actress than she typically receives. She takes some difficult, uncomfortable roles sometimes (see, e.g. Irreversible), and even here where her primary purpose is to be an unobtainable beauty there are a few excruciating moments. Bellucci and Jennifer Connelly are cut from the same cloth in that way. I’m not comparing their acting chops because, frankly, I can’t tell if Bellucci can act. It’s a language thing; gimme a couple movies, but I’m leaning toward “yes.” Then again, I haven’t seen Tears of the Sun. At any rate, Bellucci’s fearless and she does well at the uncomfortable situations. One of the better models-turned-actresses around. How’s that for damning with faint praise?

As mentioned previously, the symbology in Malena is shallow. Which is good for guys like me, because then we feel all smart but don’t have to actually strain ourselves. W00t! See, Malena is Italy and Italy is Malena. From jaw-dropping beauty to desperate, used, and reviled outcast to acceptance once the beauty has been pummelled - this is Italy from 1939 onward.

Of note: don’t pick up the New Line American release - it’s a far lesser version. They cut 15 minutes of the movie, mostly for the teen sexuality (not only the nekkidness, but a (non explicit) handjob in a theatre, some of the fantasy interludes, and other such imageries that pose a danger to the republic). Fuck them puritanical bitches and get ahold of the uncut import version. Tornatore fans, movie buffs, and onanistic pervs will thank me… not that those are mutually exclusive categories. As of today, there is no uncut American version to buy, so the import it is. As a humorous side note - on the import version, if you are watching with Korean subtitles… there naughty (pubic) bits are censored out with this big black dot. Hahahah!

Malena. A good, solid 4 of a movie. If you like the story, you’ll probably also like Tornatore’s Cinema Paradiso. Make sure you pronounce it “cheen-ee-mah” at the art house, or your beatnik cred will be revoked.

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Osama’s Niece Poses in Racy Photo Shoot. Maybe this’ll get him off his dialysis machine and flush him out of Pakistan. Naaaah

Osama bin Laden’s niece, in an interview with GQ magazine in which she appears scantily clad, says she has nothing in common with the al-Qaida leader and simply wants acceptance by Americans.

“Everyone relates me to that man, and I have nothing to do with him,” Wafah Dufour, the daughter of bin Laden’s half brother, Yeslam Binladin, says in the January edition of the magazine, referring to the al-Qaida leader.

I may be setting myself up for a fatwah here, but what the hell. Who wants to live forever?

being a bin Laden, she is, of course, uber rich. A quick search shows that she’s big on the socialite scene in NY. Probably good friends with Paris. Nothing like an obscene infidel socialite trying to push her vanity album to bring the whole family together at Ramadan, eh Osama?

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I was totally going to comment on this truly moronic piece, which sets new highs in the category of banality, unthinking regurgitation of talking points, and idiocy.

But then I saw who wrote it:

It’s John motherfuckin Holmes, baby! boom chicka wah waaahhhh boom chicka wah waaaaah

So then I go back to reading, see something like this:

Any inclusion of faith or Bible-based instruction in public school curricula is considered a “violation” of the Establishment Clause of the First Amendment. (Strange, is it not, that the Establishment Clause implied no such thing when the men who wrote and ratified it were still alive?!)

… then I immediately think of the plain text of the First Amendment

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof

… and I realize the guy’s either illiterate or functionally retarded. Nearly every sentence contains some… hold on, he’s coming back…

Wanna come upstairs and see my fishtank, baby? I’ve got a giant, electric eel! boom chicka wah waaaaah

… and I forget whatever it was I was reading. Oh yes, inanity, thy name is…

boom chicka wah waaaaaah!

Nice ’stache, dude. If you squint you can see the dust tracings from the Scarface-level coke party going on just off camera. Sorry, where was I?

I’m John motherfuckin Holmes! On your knees! boom chicka chicka chicka wah waaaaaaah

So I got all distracted and giggly. Anyway, Sadly, No already did it. Bitches. I totally would’ve beaten you to it if I wasn’t working at a real job bringing home the bacon so you could suck up my food and heat! S,N! posted first and better. Dammit. They’re Eastwood and I’m Lee Van Cleef. Boo.

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THIS is the most pathetic thing I’ve ever seen… and I know from pathetic, people. Let me tell you. I’m a fuckin master of pathetic and this? This is pathetic.

You’ve heard of machinima — films made by altering video-game footage — but that’s not the only thing coming out of games these days. Players of the massively multiplayer online title Second Life have started a new type of pornographic magazine, one that passes up real-life models for sexy, in-world avatars.

The magazine, Slustler, is both shot and distributed in the world of the game. There, after throwing down 150 Linden dollars (approximately 60 cents), players can browse Slustler’s 100-plus pages per issue whenever they choose.

Wow. That’s just… wow.

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Because Jessica Alba’s raring to do a nude scene.

I’m going to have to face that when a big director who I really respect has an amazing story, it might be necessary to do a nude scene.

OK, I may have stretched it a bit with the “raring” part, but still… it’s a possibility. I’m pretty sure I can whip up a screenplay in short order that consists of 114 minutes of simply showing Alba nude. Sorry, ladies, I will not compromise my artistic vision by throwing in something for y’all. I’m fairly certain I can get Joe Esterhaus to sign up in a minute flat or so. That ought to do it. He’s big.

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… is when that regime arrests two NFL cheerleaders for having hot lesbian sex in the bathroom at a bar.

Two Carolina Panthers cheerleaders were charged after their arrest at a bar where witnesses told police the women had sex in a restroom.

Renee Thomas, 20, of Pittsboro, N.C., and Angela Keathley, 26, of Belmont, N.C., were taken to Hillsborough County Jail early Sunday.

Witnesses said the women were having sex in a stall with each other, angering patrons waiting in line to get into the restroom at the club in the Channelside district.

Oh, the humanity! Will no one think of the children?!? What kind of world are we living in where two young, nubile, athletic women can’t enjoy the pleasure of each other’s company?

The key part, of course, is that they got in a fight in the restroom, meaning there were more women ready to have sex with each other. That’s what I got from it, anyway. I definitely didn’t get that two cheerleaders were doing lines in the bathroom, there was a brawl, and the locals lied to the cops. Because this is all about the hot! lesbian! action!

The Carolina Panther site is ridiculously slow (no link for j00!), but a tv station has the mugshots, so I guess there really were some actual cheerleaders involved in the hot! lesbian! action! news.

Update: world’s slowest website got workin’ agin. Here are the two vixens victims of harassment from the Man: Angela, Renee

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The woman who said she would not have sex until she was married is now pregnant (and still unwed).

Actually, given her fiancee, it is entirely possible that she is pregnant and still a virgin.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

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Julius Pleaser

Just thought of it, thought I’d share. It probably already exists somewhere, but if not… (tm, me), baby! (if it does, let me know, because a) you’ve got to see something titled Julius Pleaser, and b) it’s (tm, them). I couldn’t find any such beast)

Forrest Hump
Bone in 60 Seconds

… and this week’s top box office hits
Just Like Heathens (Cream Pies vol. 23)
The Orgasm of Emily Rose
Labia of War
The 20-year old Anal Virgin
Cry Wolfalingus

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