The best sports article ever written

In memory of David Foster Wallace (he committed suicide a month ago), I present to you his essay on the genius of Roger Federer – Roger Federer as Religious Experience. Wallace wasn’t a sports writer, he was just a good writer who happened to write a piece on Federer.

Almost anyone who loves tennis and follows the men’s tour on television has, over the last few years, had what might be termed Federer Moments. These are times, as you watch the young Swiss play, when the jaw drops and eyes protrude and sounds are made that bring spouses in from other rooms to see if you’re O.K.

The thing is, it’s true. Fed is freaking amazing, but in a way the seems unreal. Nadal’s more likeable and fun and exciting, but Federer is the better player, perhaps the best of all time. Tennis frequently seems to have these dynamic polar opposites, see also, e.g., Agassi and Sampras, Borg and McEnroe. Typically, the ice queen/king is the better player, the emotional one the more charismatic.

No matter, it’s all great tennis and this is a great article. Rest in peace, David.

Things I learned while watching football

There are idiots in the world who would actually pitch a fit because they can’t get a whopper. This makes me yearn for the dino killer to hit us soon.

I hope the Fox people didn’t actually pay for that cheesy ass robot football thing they have on screen about 50 times per game. It’s lamer than your boss using “Dude, Where’s My Car” jokes. In 2008.

The Sports Guy is right – “This is Ouuuur Couuuuuuntryyyyy” song is the worst thing I’ve heard since Jesus take the Wheel.

Peyton Manning? Kind of likable in that way that the kid who ate paste back in high school was likable. Not so much with the charisma. Also, he’s in 4 out of every 5 commercials that don’t have Ouuuuur Couuuuuuntryyyyy playing.

I think the US Armed Forces should be prohibited from spending public money on television ads in order to recruit youngsters to go die somewhere for the CEOs running this oligopoly.

From the commercials, I think everyone who ever buys or drives a car is a sexist idiot and/or works in the middle of the desert or ranch, and this is just going by the messages they are trying to send. Cadillac? Has a shitty commercial with a Bush (the band) loop and a woman driving in high heels. The punchline: “When you turn your car on, does it return the favor?”. VW has an ad with a baby (in a baby carrier) that cries any time the (male) driver isn’t gunning the engine and racing to 40 and above. On city streets. This is the “idiot” commercial.

Two commercials currently feature people breakdancing and doing the robot. Poorly, in both cases. One is to encourage us to use our credit cards more, the other is for the lowest common denominator fast food place. They’re both boring, horrid little things, but the fast food one almost won me over by the end.

You know those insurance commercials where they have a C-list celebrity doing counterpoint to “actual” customer experience? I thought Little Richard from last year or the year before was awesome, but now there is something awesomer – The Pips. I don’t care where you are or what you are selling, but if you put the Pips in there I’m buying. Well, appreciative of your commercial, anyway. The Pips are fucking awesome (happy train… woo woo!).

What do you mean there was a game on? With this sport it’s more like 3 commercials for every one play. By the time the insectoid armored militants were back on screen, I’d lost interest in whatever it was they were doing.

Actual sequence: 3 commercials. Kickoff. 4 commercials. 2 plays. 4 commercials. Play. 2 commercials. Actual time on the field: 48 seconds. Actual time in real life: 8 minutes. And people think this sport is exciting?

Oh, and I’m totally rooting for Team Evil (who won today, but did not play well). I can totally empathize with their dominance and the hatred that engenders from others. Buncha haters.

While I’ve always liked Green Bay and Favre, I really want the Giants to beat them. I am wishing for this simply because I am preemptively tired of hearing about Football Jesus Favre and the white-hat Packers having the last shot to knock Team Evil from their throne atop Mordor.

1 month until pitchers and catchers!

Because the Cowboys suck, that’s why

Join me, fellow travellers, in an appropriately-stoked Cowboy hatred. My only wish is that Jimmy Johnson and Jerry Jones were still there and the cameras could have cut to them.

Even unclean sports have their moments. Watching the Cowboys choke is one of them.