Why the fuck didn’t I think of, and trademark, Hookers for Jesus?

Fucking hell, that should be MINE!

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OK, it’s still not funny so it’s not Humor Friday, but this is, without a doubt, the worst possible singles ad text. Ever.

Hi, I’m 20, in college and expecting a baby. I’m due in about 3-4 weeks, so pretty soon here. I’m having a boy and I’m going to name him Dylan Wesley. His father is not in the picture. Oh, about what I look like, I’m 5′7″, I have black shoulder length hair. I wear it up a lot since I broke my straightener…can’t afford a new one right now. I work at an office supply store…but only for a few more weeks. God is really important to me. I made a bunch of foolish decisions last summer/fall and I’m in the process of getting ly life back together. (Loan, school, baby…) Anyway, if you want to know more about me…email me.

I know most people aren’t looking for a ready made family, but I just thought I would put myself out there to see if anyone was interested in getting coffee sometime…

God Bless

Reading this advert makes me a sad over the desperation and cluelessness. Actually, it’s the naked, throbbing need coming from here that makes me sad. However, I’m not really sensing any form of self-awareness or kindness that would make me truly empathize. When you combine that disturbing resentment toward her “foolish decisions last summer/fall” (i.e. when she got pregnant) with the name she chose for her kid, eroded most of my remaining sympathy was eroded. Not entirely, but a lot.

Actually, I don’t know why I’m posting this now other than the ad was just so outrageously bad it needs to be deconstructed. So that future hypocritical, resentful, jobless, needy new mothers can find that man of their dreams I thought I’d provide some helpful tips for version 2 of the above.

1. Having a baby is totally fine. Just don’t link it to a “foolish decision” or it looks like you hate the little walking vector. Also, if your chosen name for your kid has more than one “y”, sounds like a Tory bitch, or combines the imagery of bubblegum pop/effete pirates/and cranky folk singers, you might want to reconsider that name. Because this guy? I so going to be called “Dylan Wesley Crusher”. Also, “fag.”

2. Mentioning that you are about to be jobless and can’t afford a hair straightener sets off the “sugar daddy” alarm. To avoid tripping the alarm, focus on mentioning your studies (studying == good) and do not mention that you cannot afford, essentially, mac and cheese. Alternatively, if you are looking for a sugar daddy, there’s nothing wrong with stating that plainly. You’ll get more honest responses (and some highly negative ones as well, I’m sure), but at least there’s no tiptoeing around the issue.

3. If you fucked and got pregnant, then “God,” as interpreted by the current church structures, is not really that important in your life. Unless you were married at the time, which I think you would have mentioned. Anyway, if you want a Christian (I’m assuming that’s the God to which you are referring) man, there are no indicators outside of a “God bless” why one would be interested or how you qualify as Christian. Besides the fucking you have participated in, you are in school which is far too independent.

4. You need to at least not sound desperate. Avoid all mentions of “getting my life back together.” Try cheerfulness or optimism instead. After all, a spoonful of sugar attracts more flies than a barrel full of vinegar. Why you want flies, I don’t know, but sugar’s the thing to bring ‘em.

So to recap, if you are looking for a Christian sugar daddy and are an emotional wreck in desperate financial, physical, and emotional straits looking to post a singles ad… turn that frown upside down and smile, smile, smile! e.g.

Hi! I am one of the luckiest women in the world, I am currently a student and blessed to have a glorious child on the way. I could not be more thankful than to be where you are, but I would still like to find someone to share the glories of God’s creation with, even if it’s just holding hands at sunset.

etc.

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Henhouse, fox. Yessirree… The Bug Man is now in charge of our government’s finances.

Indicted Rep. Tom DeLay, forced to step down as the No. 2 Republican in the House, scored a soft landing Wednesday as GOP leaders rewarded him with a coveted seat on the Appropriations Committee.

DeLay, R-Texas, also claimed a seat on the subcommittee overseeing the Justice Department, which is currently investigating an influence-peddling scandal involving disgraced lobbyist Jack Abramoff and his dealings with lawmakers. The subcommittee also has responsibility over NASA — a top priority for DeLay, since the Johnson Space Center is located in his Houston-area district.

“Allowing Tom DeLay to sit on a committee in charge of giving out money is like putting Michael Brown back in charge of FEMA — Republicans in Congress just can’t seem to resist standing by their man,” said Bill Burton, spokesman for the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee.

I’d laugh if it this weren’t so painful. DeLay? Appropriations? Are you high? No? You’re not? Well, I’m going to be soon, baby!

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Yes, yes he did. Hasselhoff does Hooked on a feeling.

I can’t decide whether the fur suit + snowboard or the livingston + native spear + pogo jumping thing is the best part about the video. I’m going to stick with “both” here, because Hasselhoff fuckin ROCKS and any mofo who says otherwise is going to get a boot upside the head.

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FEMA has a rap for kids. No, this is not a joke. Here’s the text:

Disaster . . . it can happen anywhere,
But we’ve got a few tips, so you can be prepared
For floods, tornadoes, or even a ‘quake,
You’ve got to be ready - so your heart don’t break.

Disaster prep is your responsibility
And mitigation is important to our agency.

People helping people is what we do
And FEMA is there to help see you through
When disaster strikes, we are at our best
But we’re ready all the time, ’cause disasters don’t rest.

Apparently, this is how they’re going to win back all the black folk they done scared away after killing a few thousand after Katrina.

Here, listen to it yourself. This may possibly be the worst thing I have ever heard in my life.

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Gadgets for people who really need something better to do with their time… I present to you Atech’s teepee iPod dock.

Seriously… who needs a dock in their bathroom? Even more, who needs a dock for both an iPod and a nano? Please tell me this is a joke.

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Those were the days. Our Dear Leader may have set a new low today. Yes indeedy, a new low in the style, coherence, authoritarianism, inappropriateness, and whathefu? categories. It was a remarkable performance, even if the Russian judge only gave him a 5.4.

A 7-year-old boy’s question — “How can people help on the war on terror?” — gave Bush an opening to score some political points against his critics and try to keep Democrats from using Iraq as an issue in this year’s midterm elections.

“It’s one thing to have a philosophical difference — and I can understand people being abhorrent about war. War is terrible,” Bush said. “But one way people can help as we’re coming down the pike in the 2006 elections is remember the effect that rhetoric can have on our troops in harm’s way, and the effect that rhetoric can have in emboldening or weakening an enemy.”

A 7 year old boy asked the question! 7 years old! And to this plant kid, Bush said… uh…. hmm. Wait. I can’t figure out what he said because my massive IQ is not infinite and thus does not loop into the negative value territories required to parse this fucktard’s “engrish.” I think he’s trying to say clap! Clap louder! Dissent is treason! Shut up! You just shut up! Shut up shut up shut up! I am the King and I say we invade England! Call me Little Boots! Mars, bitches!

… I should really quit posting when I’m fatigued. Next, time I’m likely to start talking about Bush’s well-known-in-whisper-circuits unquenchable fetish for sea mammals and rice cookers.

Let me try again. Shorter Bush: you really have to keep your eye on the ball, or the ball may attack!

Anyway, let’s just say that, Like a Virgin, Bush’s stupidity hurt me just like the very first time today.

Also, in case anyone still cares at this point, he never answered the question.

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From Engadget

So there seems to be some fallout from Verizon’s music download service — users who choose to “upgrade” their handsets to support the Verizon Wireless music store are doing so at a tradeoff: you’ll no longer be able to play MP3s on your phone. The new phone software prevents you from playing MP3s on the phone as a result of an agreement Verizon Wireless made with Microsoft, the latter of whom stipulated that if the Verizon Wireless music store was gonna fly at all, MS wanted to make sure that phones using it could only play back Microsoft’s audio format.

Supposedly there is an internal memo floating around at VZW Wireless saying that if anyone complains about the new “featureset,” they’ll be given a refurbished phone with older firmware to “correct” the “problem” — but that users aren’t being warned ahead of time that they’ll lose MP3 playing functionality by upgrading their phones. Very tricksy, guys, very tricksy! You know, if the customer didn’t always come first with these big corps we’d really be in trouble, folks.

How does Microsoft get away with this?? Whatever happened to the anti-trust suit that said Microsoft had to play nice?

I know I won’t be switching to Verizon Wireless anytime soon.
Sheesh and I thought Cingular was bad.

::

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A high-school football coach told his 6-man team they had the night off, then brought in college-age players to come bring some pain.…. and the ringers lost 28-18! Hahahahaha!

A five-game suspension hardly seems adequate punishment for a private high school six-man league football coach who brought in college-age players during an October game without telling anyone.

Herc Palmquist, head administrator and a coach at Texas Christian School near Houston, not only misled his opponents, he lied to his own team telling them the game was cancelled because of team injuries and they had the night off, the Houston Chronicle reported.

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THIS is the most pathetic thing I’ve ever seen… and I know from pathetic, people. Let me tell you. I’m a fuckin master of pathetic and this? This is pathetic.

You’ve heard of machinima — films made by altering video-game footage — but that’s not the only thing coming out of games these days. Players of the massively multiplayer online title Second Life have started a new type of pornographic magazine, one that passes up real-life models for sexy, in-world avatars.

The magazine, Slustler, is both shot and distributed in the world of the game. There, after throwing down 150 Linden dollars (approximately 60 cents), players can browse Slustler’s 100-plus pages per issue whenever they choose.

Wow. That’s just… wow.

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Flawless skin. Perfect hair. Ready to work anywhere and everywhere anytime you want. Meet 5 top contestants vying for the title of most beautiful virtual woman in the world.

Umm… no thanks.

Kaya is ravishing. She has full lips, long lashes, and a slightly upturned nose. Her expression radiates confidence and power, and her smooth skin is well scrubbed and dotted with freckles. But she doesn’t have much of a body. At all. In fact, she exists only from the neck up. Kaya is a CG model, a 48,200-polygon beauty created by an artist in Sao Paulo, Brazil. And she’s sure to be a finalist in the Miss Digital World beauty pageant.

The man behind the event is Franz Cerami, an Italian promoter who’s trying to start the world’s first CG talent agency. His dream is to manage a bevy of virtual beauties, posing and costuming them for pinup calendars, videogames, ads, and movies. The benefits of digital models are obvious - they never age, never have bad hair days, and can be on location in Tokyo, Paris, and Hollywood simultaneously.

Wow. Just… wow. So sad, so, so sad. I may be a geek, but I don’t need imaginary CGI models to ogle for my miss virtual pageant. Ye gods. Free pr0n everywhere and someone still thinks this is a good idea? Do people actually fap to this?

Might be a good way to find top animators for your next CGI movie, though.

So… who’d you vote for?

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Harper Collins is altering ‘Goodnight Moon’ into a smokeless version

In the great green room, there is a telephone, and a red balloon, but no ashtray. “Goodnight Moon,” the children’s classic by Margaret Wise Brown, has gone smoke free.

In a newly revised edition of the book, which has lulled children to sleep for nearly 60 years, the publisher, HarperCollins, has digitally altered the photograph of Clement Hurd, the illustrator, to remove a cigarette from his hand.

This is smart, because… because… pretending something doesn’t exist means that no one will ever find out about it and you’ll totally be safe from it. This is worse than Ted Turner colorizing the classics. This is worse than Lucas modifying the original Star Wars so that Greedo now shoots at Han first. This is worse than the Black Knight in Python’s Holy Grail. This is worse than the administration’s ever-changing rationale for an elective invasion of a sovereign nation. No, wait, not so much on that last part.

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… but did not get sworn in.

Even before the remarks got started, Democrats and Republicans debated whether the executives should have to swear to tell the truth before the panel.

Alaska Republican Stevens, head of the Senate Commerce Committee, rejected calls by some Democrats to have the executives sworn in, saying the law already required them to tell the truth.

Help me out here a minute… why on earth would you not make them swear in, particularly if it’s already required? All it makes you look like is an obstructionist, a patsy, and trying to help the oil execs hide something.

The athletes testifying on steroids were sworn in. The freakin tobacco execs were sworn in. Jack freakin Abramoff was sworn in… why not Big Oil?

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from Crooked Timber

Here is a (partial) list of the recent changes that hamper courtship and marriage: the sexual revolution, made possible especially by effective female contraception; the ideology of feminism and the changing educational and occupational status of women; the destigmatization of bastardy, divorce, infidelity, and abortion; the general erosion of shame and awe regarding sexual matters, … widespread morally neutral sex education in schools; the explosive increase in the numbers of young people whose parents have been divorced … great increases in geographic mobility, with a resulting loosening of ties to place and extended family of origin; … and an ethos that lacks transcendent aspirations and asks of us no devotion to family, God, or country, encouraging us simply to soak up the pleasures of the present.

Note: Leon Kass is the Addie Clark Harding Professor in the Committee on Social Thought and The College at the University of Chicago, and Chairman of the President’s Commission on Bioethics. You know, the guy who decided the whole stem cell line bullshit for Bush.

Crooked Timber has the snarky commentary… which pretty much renders me useless here. Oh well.

And people wonder why there’s no stem cell research and South Korea has surpassed us in medical technology in related fields.

Thanks for turning us back into a bunch of ignorant superstitious witch-burning hicks, duhbya. You fucking moron.

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Victoria Beckham has expensive teeth

Victoria Beckham has reportedly spent $44,000 to get her teeth whitened, paying out $4,400 per tooth. Additionally, her husband David Beckham has allegedly also indulged in the whitening treatments.

… She only has 10 teeth?!?

The Superficial is never to be relied upon, of course, what with being run by short busers and all, but I can’t find the story on The Sun so I’ll have to take their word for it that the numbers come from the article.

Apparently, today is silly news day. We need some freakin indictments, Fitzgerald!

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