These are minor tidbits I’ve gleaned throughout my life. Some of these are profound, some practical, some of no use at all. But I’ve been meaning to keep a list of such things for a while and there’s no time like the present.
- Live in the now. Worrying about tomorrow is useless. If you die tomorrow, you’ll have wasted today being worried about the inevitable, and if you don’t die you’ll have wasted today worrying about something that never happened. Corollary: be attentive to what is within your power to control or achieve; don’t fret about things over which you are powerless.
- Be the rock in the stream, rather than the twig floating on the currents.
- Life’s too short for bullshit.
- Happiness is what matters most. The definition of what constitutes “happiness” is entirely up to you.
- Content over presentation, form follows function.
- Karma is an illusion. A nice overlay of selective interpretation and observer bias over random events. But it’s fun to believe in, particularly if you’re a nice person and everyone else deserves to be kneecapped for constantly fucking you over for their own selfish gain. But not you, you’re peaceful and unselfish! Just like me.
- Free will is an illusion, but a necessary one for the cooperative running of society. Determinism is also an illusion, unless you also discard the idea of random activity. On a small enough time frame, every action is deterministic, and on a long enough scale, nothing is deterministic. Of course, I had to write that.
- Buy cheap, pay twice.
Random belief systems
- It’s not gay if you’re on top.
- Never buy the lesser of two (or more) cereals. The dollar you save is more than offset by the inferiority of the goods. With very limited exceptions, the bagged cereal currently available more closely resembles glass and sawdust than anything edible.
Practical (though possibly only in limited circumstances)
- If you are ever arrested by the cops, say nothing. Even if you’re innocent of whatever it is, the only words that should be coming out of your mouth are “I will only speak in the presence of my attorney.”
- If you are fighting zombies, take your time and think carefully about your tactics. Do it right. One shot, one kill, baby. After all, it’s not like they are going to sneak up on you (Dawn of the Dead remake zombies excepted). Also, if there’s some weasel in your group that you never liked before and you know s/he is only concerned about themselves… it’s OK to leave them behind or toss them to the undead brain eaters. No, really.
The Standoff/Showdown One Commandment (and related adjunct)
- Thou shalt not monologue. If you are a bad guy and are about to achieve your plot of world domination or the ultimate destruction of an adversary… DO IT. Don’t discuss. Don’t gloat. Don’t do a happy dance. Keep your mind on the task at hand and finish of that pesky do-gooder/control that planet. You didn’t get here by being a talky talky shrinking violet. DO IT.
- Thou shalt be decisive (adjunct 1). If you are ever in a Standoff, or ever have a bad guy on the ropes, or you’ve taken their weapon from them, or are holding the bad guy’s nefarious plot of world domination at bay solely because you are pointing a weapon at them… pull the fuckin trigger. Do not waver. Do not doubt. Do not consider the human implications. Do not consider the rule of law. DO IT. This is triply true if you happen to be a woman in a movie who has just saved your child/ren from a big bad wolf.
There seems to be some confusion about this issue (amongst women), so let me clarify this: Women of the world, men want to fuck you. Likely, the women want to fuck men too, but in our society it’s very much men == chasers, women == chasees. Shocking revelation, I know.
I believe it is exceedingly rare that men and women can be friends for any significant period of time, i.e. without being social friends or friends with your friends spouse or coworkers or the like. Perhaps less than 1% of people in our society can maintain that kind of relationship long-term without one party or the other becoming attached or without the sexual tension breaking the relationship down.
So ladies, here’s a heuristic you should use to judge the man’s intentions. Your intentions may be crystal clear and completely platonic in your head, but the guy[fn1] is likely just trying to score some nookie. All of those fun little things you do, all the meets over coffee, all the sailing, all the dancing, wining, movieing, and dining? Those are all social tactics used by the guy to get in your pants.
This is triply true for emotionally retarded wrinkly old men with nothing more to offer than their money to inappropriately young women. Particularly if the guy’s first name starts with the letter “D,” they are bald, have a dick so small they have to drive a corvette as compensation, use phrases such as “my dear,” lie constantly (particularly about their intentions if the woman is going to leave and about how committed they are to their soon-to-be-ex inappropriately young woman), never win a race yet insist on sending pathetic, boring videos of the races to the inappropriately young women they want to fuck, are disassociative, talk about “positive energy” but ironically enough have none, see the world in grandiose me versus Them terms, cheat, and have stalkerish tendencies such as continued calling or emailing after clear and direct communications telling them to go away.
Yeah, that guy. What an assclown.
Just remember: when in doubt, he wants to whip it out.
Another heuristic: I know some of you are touchy monkeys and OK with many forms of contact. Here is the general progression of such from a dude’s point of view:
Talking leads to Touching
Touching leads to Rubbing
Rubbing leads to Kissing
Kissing leads to Sucking
Sucking leads to Fucking
It’s an easy 5-point continuum with a nice mnemonic (TTRKS are for kids. ™, me. That could be “turks” or “tricks”, I guess, and I’m skipping the “F”, but it’s my mmnemonic and I’m keeping it). Back rubs can actually be a shortcut to Fucking, particularly when the rubbee is mounted by the rubbor like the prone doggy position. It’s a half step from dry humping, really.
My hat’s off to you who can achieve friendships of genders where both parties are interested in the other. I admire what you have achieved. … If I believe it, which I won’t until there’s been at least 20 years of friendship with no hookups and no losses of communication. But good on ya for trying.
[fn1] By guy here, I mean the person who likes to fuck persons of your gender. So if the fuckee is female, then gay males don’t count, but gay females do. Theoretically. There are social differences there that I can’t speak to that specifically, what with not being a lesbian and all.